The importance of belonging
- Personal Growth, Wellbeing
- Written by Sami Rainbow
There’s something quite fundamental about wanting to belong.
Not necessarily to a particular group, or even to a particular place, but to feel that somewhere, somehow, we have a place in the world. That we’re part of something. That we’re seen, understood and accepted for who we are.
We know when we feel it, and we certainly know when we don’t. But what is it about belonging that makes such a difference to how we experience our lives?
In my last article, What Happened to the Village?, I explored how the nature of community has changed, and how the everyday interactions and familiar places that once brought people together have gradually become less part of our daily lives.
But perhaps there’s a more fundamental question underneath all of that. Why does belonging matter in the first place? What are we actually looking for when we want to feel part of a community?
I think it comes down to three things…
1. We want to feel that we matter
There’s a difference between simply being present somewhere… and feeling that our presence makes a difference.
We can live in a neighbourhood, attend a regular event or be part of a group, and still feel as though nobody would particularly notice if we weren’t there.
Belonging gives us something different. It’s the feeling that we’re recognised. That our presence is welcome. That someone might notice we’re missing, remember something we’ve said, or take an interest in what’s happening in our lives.
It doesn’t have to involve grand gestures or declarations of friendship. Often, it’s found in the smallest things. Someone remembering your name. Being asked how something went. A familiar face making room for you to join a conversation.
These little moments send a message: you are here, you are seen, and you matter.
And I think that’s something we all need, regardless of how independent we are or how much we enjoy our own company. Being self-sufficient doesn’t mean we don’t want to feel valued. Enjoying time alone doesn’t mean we don’t want to know that our presence is appreciated.
We can be perfectly happy in our own space and still want to feel that we matter to the people and places around us.
2. We need somewhere we can be ourselves
I think this is where belonging becomes particularly interesting, because it’s not simply about being included.
We can be welcomed into a group, invited to join in and made to feel that there’s a place for us, yet still feel that we’re somehow not quite ourselves when we’re there.
Perhaps we feel we need to be a little more outgoing, a little more confident, or a little more entertaining. We might hold back our opinions or adapt our behaviour to fit in with the people around us.
We might fit in, but that isn’t quite the same as belonging. Brené Brown explores this distinction in her book Braving the Wilderness. She talks about the importance of belonging to ourselves rather than changing who we are in order to gain acceptance from others.
It’s an idea that I think is worth sitting with.
Genuine belonging shouldn’t require us to edit ourselves into someone else. It should allow us to arrive as we are.
For some people, that might mean happily chatting to everyone in the room. For others, it might mean listening more than speaking, taking time to think before responding, or simply being content to sit quietly alongside other people.
Neither is more valuable than the other.
And perhaps that’s one of the most important things about finding somewhere we belong: we don’t have to explain or justify the way we are. We don’t have to keep up with anyone else’s expectations or feel that we’re somehow getting it wrong.
It’s not about finding a room full of people just like us. It’s about finding spaces where we don’t have to pretend to be someone else.
3. We need a sense of place in the world
There’s another aspect of belonging that I find particularly interesting: the feeling that we have a place in the wider world.
That might be connected to where we live, the people we know, the things we care about, or the communities we’re part of. It might be something we’ve inherited, something we’ve chosen, or something we’ve gradually created for ourselves.
I think we all need some sense of being connected to something beyond the immediate boundaries of our own lives – that might be a neighbourhood, a group of friends, a shared interest, a family, or a wider community. It could be a place we return to, or people with whom we share an experience, even if they live hundreds of miles away.
Our sense of belonging can also change as our lives change. The communities we were part of in our twenties might not be the ones we need in our fifties. The places that once felt like home might no longer do so. Sometimes, we find ourselves looking for new connections because our circumstances have shifted.
I don’t think that’s something to be worried about. We grow, our lives evolve, and the things that make us feel connected can evolve with us.
Belonging isn’t necessarily something we find once and keep forever. It can take different forms at different stages of our lives.
Belonging isn't about being everywhere
It’s worth remembering that belonging doesn’t mean we need to be part of lots of groups, have a huge circle of friends, or constantly surround ourselves with other people.
For some of us, a small number of meaningful connections will be more than enough. We might find our sense of belonging in a handful of friendships, a local group, a particular place, or an online community.
Perhaps the real question isn’t how many places we belong to, but whether we have somewhere we feel that we matter, somewhere we can be ourselves, and somewhere that gives us a sense of connection to the world around us.
Those things might all come from one place, or from several different parts of our lives. What matters is that we have them.
Finding our own sense of belonging
I suspect many of us spend more time thinking about where we should be, what we should be doing and how we should be living than we do thinking about where we actually feel that we belong.
We can find ourselves trying to fit into places that don’t quite suit us, or maintaining connections that no longer feel particularly meaningful, simply because that’s what we’ve always done.
Sometimes, it takes a little reflection to recognise the difference between being somewhere because we feel we ought to be there and being somewhere because it genuinely feels right.
Perhaps we need to pay more attention to the people and places where we feel most like ourselves. The connections that leave us feeling understood. The spaces where we can relax, contribute in our own way and feel welcome.
Because belonging isn’t about being accepted on someone else’s terms. It’s about finding – and sometimes creating – the places and relationships where we can be ourselves and still feel part of something.
In my previous article, I asked how we might create the kind of community we want to be part of, wherever we happen to find ourselves.
Perhaps the starting point is understanding what we’re really looking for. And the next step is recognising that community doesn’t simply happen around us. It grows through the small things we do, the interest we take in others, and the way we make room for people to be part of our lives.
Because if we want a village, perhaps we need to be villagers.
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The Enrichment Collective is a community and business growth space for introverted, quietly ambitious women who want to build successful businesses without sacrificing their wellbeing, their values, or the life they actually want to live.
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